I’ve got almost 1 year of motherhood under my belt now (not that it’s a huge amount of time, but enough to be a rollercoaster of learning). I wanted to write a post of everything I would tell a new parent or expecting parents if they asked me for all of the advice I could think of or what I’ve learned. Some of these are topics that may be controversial, but what helped Chris and I get through parenthood (mentally and physically) and not let it affect our marriage. We have always been quite the team, but now, we’re even closer and way better at communicating. And as a Mom, these have helped my postpartum mental health and surviving the biggest change you’ll ever go through. Hopefully these things I’ve learned or would give as advice can help someone. And yes, some of it is ‘rant-y’ (pregnant problems, haha). Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

#1 – Take Advice with a grain of salt

Sort of a funny first piece of advice for a blog post all about advice haha. But this is super important and I wanted to start with it so you keep this in mind even while reading this. Motherhood looks different for everyone. You will get advice (wanted or unwanted) left and right and people will SWEAR their way is what’s right… and it may be! But not always. Coming from a Type A, always has to have a plan type of personality, I had to learn quick that motherhood is a lot of ‘go with the flow’ and learning your baby as you go. I read the books, I studied online, I took the advice, and I can honestly say maybe 15% of that has helped me this first year. Not all wake windows look the same for all babies. Not every baby will love the same swing. Babies have different preferences to bottles and pacifiers. The list goes on. So keep in mind when getting advice (or even reading this post!).

#2 – ignore Negative ‘Just Wait’ comments

I’ve shared a lot about this through my personal pages, and anyone close to me knows how I feel about these comments, haha. This actually goes along with the first piece of advice. I can’t tell you how many times during Carter’s pregnancy when people asked how I was feeling and I said how exhausted I was, well, you can take a guess at the response. “Oh you think you’re tired now? Just wait until the baby gets here”.

I totally understand that people try to find a way to relate their experience to yours and relate their pain to others, but honestly, all it does is put worry into expecting moms or new moms for no reason, when they already have enough to deal with. Sure – maybe that’s true for some, but that comment not only is invalidating to the exhausted pregnant mama, but it unfortunately doesn’t take her exhaustion away. So what’s the point of these comments? There is no bank where we can put away hours of sleep to use later, haha. And if you’re like me – you will get WAY better sleep when the baby gets here than when pregnant. In both pregnancies I have had terrible sleep and insomnia. So take these comments with a grain of salt. Life can always be harder. “Oh you think 1 kid is hard? Just wait until you have 2.”. “Oh you think you’re tired with 2 kids? At least you can have 1 in each hand.”. “You think 3 kids is exhausting? Try 10.”. Validate and support your friends and family even if you ‘think’ you have it harder. Instead of telling them the negatives of motherhood, tell them what they have to look forward to. “I’m sorry, I know how exhausting pregnancy is. It will all be worth it when you get your first smile or hear that first cry.”. I tell my friends who get these comments – if motherhood is that terrible, why do people keep having children? Because the reward outweighs the tough times in the long run.

My therapist a while back gave me the best advice after my Dad passed away, and it sticks with me through a lot of scenarios. “When people are dealing with tough times that you may think are miniscule compared to your tough time, just remember, this may be the hardest thing they personally are going through. So to them, it’s very tough, even if to you it doesn’t seem to be that bad.”.

#3 – Dad’s have a low bar set

First off, my husband agrees with this so I feel ok writing it, haha. This is more so advice to new Moms, but it’s something that really annoyed me in the beginning until I learned to let it roll off the shoulder. As a new Mom, it drained me making me feel like I was obligated to do everything just because I’m the Mom. I remember one time I posted a photo of Chris feeding Carter midway through our hike and he would get comments like “wow what a good Dad-you’re so lucky to have him”. What about Chris being lucky that I spent my time before and after the hike pumping/breastfeeding in the car while he relaxed? But no – that’s the expectation, right? Even Chris was shocked by the comments on how low the bar is set to be a “good Dad”!

And FYI – this is not to say we shouldn’t appreciate Dad’s or praise them, because we should. I know Carter is lucky to have a father who loves him and cares for him. I appreciate the hell out of Chris and I let him know that all of the time. This is just to bring to light that the notion of “nurturing for your child is solely a woman’s job” is very archaic. Times have changed in many ways. It shouldn’t be shocking that a Dad is feeing his child or out shopping with his child alone. Moms, don’t put all of that pressure on yourself thinking you have to do it all, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Also, I’m here to tell you that you ARE a good Mom. Even if you aren’t told it as much, your child is so lucky to have you both.

#4 – Babies are trial and error

Having a baby is a lot of trial and error. You buy a swing – they hate it. You get gifted another swing – they love it. Bottles, toys, lotions, diapers, wipes, etc., all come with a preference per baby. My biggest advice here is to keep an eye on Facebook Marketplace or local tag sales. Babies go through things so quickly which means a lot of items being sold or gifted are only used for a short amount of time! This helps you not feel bad if the item doesn’t work for your baby. Also, on the flipside, you can sell/gift your items that your baby doesn’t use or like! I saved all of mine because I knew I wanted another baby really close in age, but it’s helpful to try to get some money for your used items to put towards new age appropriate items. With this all being said – there are definitely things that are more popular and work for a lot of babies, so odds are in your favor for those!

For non baby item related topics – my advice is to just listen to your baby and learn what the cries mean and follow their schedule. Not to say you can’t sleep train or try to get them on a schedule when they’re a bit older, but I’m talking about the newborn time. There is no one size fits all equation for babies, and that’s something I wish I knew. I wish I stopped questioning why he wasn’t able to follow these recommended schedules at 4 weeks old. If they work for you – awesome! And if you are going to try, give it time. If it doesn’t work day 1, give it a few days. Babies take more time to get adjusted to change. If it doesn’t work, switch it up until you learn what works best.

#5 – if you plan on having babies close in age, research items you buy to make sure they accommodate 2 (or more)

This was a big smack the head moment for me. I always knew I wanted my babies super close in age. They will be 15 months apart. When I was putting all of the items on my registry for Carter I didn’t even think of if it can accommodate 2. Example: I needed to buy a new baby monitor that can do a split screen and a stroller than can fit 2, or at least pick a stroller brand that has a double stroller that can adapt to your infant car seat or what not. A lot of items I will have had to buy 2 of anyway (like nursery furniture, another changing station, etc.) but for some items, I wish I had this in the back of my mind. Again, all preference on what you want.

#6- fill your own cup too, parenthood is teamwork

As a Mom, this is something I have a hard time doing. Especially when I was exclusively breastfeeding. Chris has always been so good at pretty much forcing me to leave and even just go to Target alone or get a massage. It’s so important as a parent to fill your cup to and get alone time, doing things that make you happy. This will help you be the happiest and best you can be! I know Mom guilt is very real, and not easy, but it gets easier. Being a team and finding ways to take some of the load off the other one when needed is super important.

#7 – The importAnce of your ‘villiage’ and how they can help

Prior to being a parent, I had no idea what it was like (obviously). I feel like I wasn’t there for friends or family who had kids the way I should’ve been, and for that I feel terrible. But it’s one of those things you truly don’t learn until you have kids of your own! You learn to check up on your postpartum loved ones and their mental health as much as you can, help them take care of household tasks or meals instead of just offering to hold the baby and having them host you. You learn the best ways to support parents with their new child. It’s something I wish I could go back on to my loved ones, but you live and you learn!

#8 – Hang in there

I want to leave this post on the note of ‘hang in there’. Parenthood is HARD. There’s a lot you have to give up, it’s a LOT of work, and there’s a lot of learning to do. You don’t get to clock out and go home, it’s a 24/7 job. But again, the reward is worth it even if in the moment you feel like you will never sleep again or you will never be sane again. I’m here to tell you, it gets better. You will sleep again. You will eat warm food again. Breastfeeding moms – you will have your body back to yourself again one day. The milestones are so fun and there’s always something new to look forward to. I knowwwww how long the days feel, especially in the beginning. But even now, almost 11 months later, the days are flying by and I cannot believe it’s almost been one year since Carter was born! Take as many pictures and videos as you can because you will want to look back at everything. You can never have too many haha just buy extra storage ;).

If you are expecting or a new mom and reading this – congratulations!! You’ve got this. Your instincts will kick in and you will figure it out, even if you don’t think you will. If you’re a seasoned mom reading this – feel free to add tips/your feelings in the comments! Wrapping this up, as I said, take this all with a grain of salt. The things I rant about don’t happen to everyone and my pros don’t happen to everyone, but hopefully this can help at least one person know that they are validated, and they are in for the best ride.

xox

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