This post is definitely different, and definitely NOT about fashion, or beauty. I thought about writing this for a while but I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Then I realized, my blog is a place I started coming to when I wanted to unwind from the world and let out what I was thinking. Yes it is mostly outfits and what I’m thinking about trends, but not tonight. Or lately for that matter. I know I didn’t post Thursday, and for that I’m so sorry. I’ve had a rough time this past week. I’m sure some of you out there can relate.
It’s not the ‘norm’ to lose a parent at a young age. Which makes it hard for people to relate , or understand why I act the way I do sometimes. I lost my Dad almost three years ago. How come everyone says it gets easier with time? To me, it only gets harder. I understand some people didn’t even grow up with parents, and I’m not saying that this is harder…but my Dad was my strongest supporter and the closest man in my life, always.
My Dad had cancer, and didn’t live much longer after we found out. We tried to spend the time we had as best as we can. I moved to Manhattan summer of 2013 for an internship. I knew he didn’t want me to stop my life to be with him, so I went for two months. Doctor said he had another year, and I came home almost every weekend to be with him. Once I found out it was going downhill quick, I moved back to CT.
I came home thinking I had so many more months with him. I did NOT think it would only be 72 hours. To anyone who has watched someone go through cancer, you understand how hard it is seeing them in a different way. I remember the day I came home, I opened his bedroom door, and he was laying in bed. He looked like a skeleton. He was pale(which my Dad was full Italian…always tan), no glasses(he ALWAYS had his glasses on my whole life), no hair, and so skinny. I had to turn around and leave the room because I didn’t want him to see my cry.
The next day we went to my cousin’s wedding. My mom called us to let us know he had a seizure after radiation, but not to worry because we thought he would still be okay. After two days of waiting for him to wake up, I told my mom to go home and get some sleep, and that I would stay overnight with him. I remember holding his hand that whole weekend, and him squeezing my hand. Doctors said he could still hear me. 3 o’clock in the morning rolls around, and he has another seizure. He passed away not much longer after that.
Watching the man who raised you, who cared for you, and who stuck up for you die in front of you, and seizure in front of you while you’re holding his hands is by far the hardest thing I’ll ever go through. A man who’s so strong and smart, be so weak and helpless. There was nothing I could do but be there. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle. Have my first legal drink with me. Watch me graduate college. See me successful in my career. Share his wise advice.
So yes, I’m a different person. I keep saying I remember because I remember it like it was yesterday. I dream about it, I think about it, and I fear it. All the things I didn’t get to say, or ask. I will never again be the same person. It’s harder for me to let someone in, because that means I need to explain what happened. It’s harder for me to get close to someone, because when I lose them, I will feel this pain again. I have less tolerance. People judge you before they really know you. They don’t understand why you say things or do things. I’m hoping this helps.
But, I also will love more than ever. I’m more caring. I go for what I want without playing games to get there. I’m very straight forward because life is short. I’ve learned not to settle, and do what makes you happy, whatever it may be.
I’m so thankful I have a close family. Have you been through something similar? Do you understand? If so, stay strong. And I know it’s WAY easier said then done. But it’s okay to be upset. You’re not alone.